


I hurt you, but I can't live without you

by Blackat14



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mentions of Benkliego, Number Five | The Boy Being an Asshole, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Panic Attacks, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, mentions of alluther, morally grey Five
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackat14/pseuds/Blackat14
Summary: So it was no surprise that this night found him sneaking to the bathroom despite nausea rolling in his stomach and the desire to run, escape the cause is right there!
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37
Collections: fiveya week (round 2)





	I hurt you, but I can't live without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [light_loves_the_dark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/light_loves_the_dark/gifts).



> So this is dedicated to the wonderful liv. She's such a wonderful friend and I'm glad that I know her. I absolutely love her work so I hope I do this story justice. I hope you enjoy it! 🥰
> 
> This is also inspired by her Tumblr post, go check it out, her little snippets of fiveya are amazing and always make me emotional!
> 
> https://queeenpersephone.tumblr.com/post/633364396589088768
> 
> Day 5 of fiveya week, guilt

Five woke up with the taste of ash on his tongue and the smell of smoke lingering in the air.

It had been a while since he had nightmares of the apocalypse. After they had figured out how to get home to their universe and he acquired an adult body the first thing he had done was show Vanya just how _much_ he had missed her. The others seemed to have had the same thought as Luther and Allison hadn’t left each other's side and Diego, Ben and Klaus had holed themselves up in Klaus's old bedroom as it was the biggest in the mansion.

It had taken him and Vanya a bit longer than he had hoped to relearn each other, but Five had patience, only for Vanya, _only ever for Vanya._

But that also came with being open and Five was a bit ashamed to admit that the only thing he hadn’t been honest with was the nightmares he suffered, going to great lengths to hide the symptoms from his siblings as well, as they would immediately tell Vanya and he didn’t want that. 

So it was no surprise that this night found him sneaking to the bathroom despite nausea rolling in his stomach and the desire to _run, escape the cause is right there!_

Five simply shoved those thoughts away, looking at the women sleeping in their bed and it was the guilt he felt this time. He always felt remorse whenever his thoughts, his _instincts_ told him to run from Vanya. He wasn’t afraid, no, he was just as monstrous as his sweet, timid, _powerful_ Vanya was. No, he wasn’t afraid, he was weary, he had never told her but on the nights that his nightmares blended from apocalypse to commission he would wake up and stare at her and have a split second thought of ‘If I just quickly _snap her-’_

Five shook away those thoughts as he reached the bathroom and closed the door quietly before taking the last steps to the toilet and finally retching. He didn’t know how long he sat before the toilet throwing up before simply dry heaving, the contents of his stomach emptied completely, but between that time Vanya had come in, wet cloth in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

She didn’t say anything, simply set the water down before sitting close to him, rubbing his back before going to play with the wisps of hair laying on his neck and he couldn’t deny the calming effect it had, but he also couldn’t deny the _bitter, ashy_ taste that lingered on his tongue.

  
  


So with little effort, he sat up and didn’t meet Vanya’s eyes, anger, and resentment coursing through his veins while the old man part of him who simply _craved_ her every word, touch, and smell ranted at him to _shut up._

“Five, are you okay?”

Her quiet voice brought him out of his internal debate, but he didn’t answer, he simply clenched his jaw because _he couldn’t hurt her._

“Five, please… I just want to help.”

And just like that he snapped. He knew it wasn’t fair of him to do so, but he had been bottling this for so _long_ , and he just couldn’t take Vanya’s pleading voice right now. It was easier to snap than talk about emotions for him.

“What can _you do_ Vanya? It’s because of _you_ that I have nightmares. It’s because of _you,_ that we got stuck in a different time and you decided to say ‘fuck family, I’m gonna live with this farm frau even though she’s very obviously taking advantage of me as I have nowhere else to go if I don’t return her affections’. Honestly you just… keep getting in the way.”

Five didn’t look at Vanya as he finished speaking, the anger draining out of him as quickly as it had come and he couldn’t bear to see the tears he _knew_ were streaming down her face, he felt like such an asshole, the guilt even worse when he felt _better_ by finally letting out what had been plaguing him.

“I-I’m… I think I should go. I-I’ll se-see you lat-later Fi-Five.”

And Five really felt like an asshole at the way Vanya’s voice broke as he could hear her suppressed sobs, and normally he would go after her, he would stop her and apologize but he also knew that this time they both needed time to compose themselves because they _would_ have to talk and with both of them angry and sad and upset there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t just start arguing and that’s not what he wanted. So he simply listened as Vanya opened a drawer, most likely to change before he heard her sneakers on the floors and the front door open before closing _quietly_ and then he broke down because quiet Vanya meant she was _hurt,_ and _sad_ and all too similar to the thirteen-year-old who always acted like a ghost haunting their childhood home and he _hated_ that he was the cause.

He would fix this tomorrow, he would swallow his pride and actually _talk_ to her. 

For now, he sat in front of the toilet with his knees drawn to his chest as he sobbed.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll post the second chapter later today.


End file.
